Wednesday, May 25, 2016

We Will Walk

Gladdie Mae went 27 days in a row wearing her Gotcha outfit. We started kidding with each other...making bets for how long she’d hold out.

Then came Sunday. She didn’t change out of her pjs all day. Then Monday, the same. Then Tuesday, the same.

We Thought, HOPed, PRAYED that she was turning a corner in her trust and acceptance of us.
Could it finally be?

Then, that tiny sliver of sunlight was shut out when the window slammed down this morning.

She got dressed in her Gotcha outfit. Once again.

I’m not going to lie. I was upset. I melted down.

Partly from pride/jealousy. (Am I not enough for her? Why can’t she love me like she loves her foster mama?)

Partly from inconvenience. (Geez, now I’m going to have to wash this outfit every night again!)

But mostly from a broken heart...for my daughter.

Here she is, having just had the rug pulled out from under her. Her entire world topsy-turvy. 

She’s trying to make sense of it all by clinging for dear life to the only tangible thing she has from her old life. Probably hoping with every fiber of her being that she’ll get to go back to that old life.

My.Heart.Is.Breaking.

So I wept. And I let her see me weeping. I want her to know that she is not alone in this topsy-turvy mess. I weep for and with her.

I think she partly understood, because at one point, she handed me a tissue.

I'm grateful to a gracious God who forgives me my meltdowns. And a little girl, who does too.

So, what to do when your hope for your child has just been shattered into a million pieces?

You pick up your frustrated, weepy self by the scruff of the neck, and...you walk.

We live in a beautiful gulch that goes for a few miles up into the surrounding hills. I started walking up and down it a few months ago during some particularly stressful times in our adoption process. I found great comfort walking to a steady beat, listening to worship music, and praying as I walked.

So, I put the wee one in the stroller, in all her Gotcha-outfit-glory, and I pushed her for a couple miles.




I pushed until my legs burned and my heart was thumping out of my chest.

And I prayed the entire time. Sometimes my prayer was just “Jesus….”

Often, I can’t find the words to describe the pain...He knows. So I just say His name.

Walking is great therapy. It's good to get out in nature, to work your muscles, to be reminded of God's beauty and glory. To know that in this huge, vast universe, God cares for little Gladdie and her broken heart. God cares for us as we care for and love her. God knows.

I long for the day when she is at peace...with us.

But until then...we will walk.

6 comments:

Melanie said...

Hello Amy,
I discovered your blog just before your families departure to China for Gladdie. It has been interesting to read along as you experience first hand the excitement, heartbreak and everything in between that comes with adoption. I had a thought come to me while reading this post, specifically in regards to her special China clothes. Have you ever seen the memory boxes that some use to put a special outfit in(ie. blessing outfit)? They are similar to a shadow box and can be hung on a wall. I wonder if Gladdie would in time appreciate being able to see her "from China with love outfit" as opposed to wearing it daily? And, if this information is not useful please disregard. I wish you the best as you continue on this journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Amy said...

Hi Melanie! That is a great idea! And one that I have done with all my other girls' Gotcha outfits. In fact, I have an empty shadow box in Gladdie's room right now. Often, I will show it to her and point to her clothes. She continues to shake her head "no" at me. But perhaps in time...

Thank you for sharing,
Amy

Allison Nelson said...

Thank you for your downright honesty. I check your blog each day to see if there is an update. I will continue praying for you, Simon, Gladdie and the 3 other beautiful G's. You continue to be an inspiration.

Allison Nelson said...

Thank you for your downright honesty. I check your blog each day to see if there is an update. I will continue praying for you, Simon, Gladdie and the 3 other beautiful G's. You continue to be an inspiration.

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