Thursday, September 8, 2011

Honesty

Things are going pretty well in the Miller household. In fact, I think things with Gemma are going better than I expected. It's been a little tough this week with school starting...getting Gracie ready in the morning...not knowing if we should let Gemma sleep or get her up to say goodbye to Daddy and Jie Jie. It's a work in progress, and probably still will be for days, weeks, months, and well, let's face it...years to come.

I don't want you to think that everything is roses and sunshine (although it's been beautifully sunny and in the 90s here the last few days), because there are some struggles, too. It's so hard to put into words what I'm feeling. I've pretty much been a mushball since we got home. It's hard to know if what I'm feeling is normal or not; if others have felt this way too, or not; or if I should even vocalize what I'm feeling to my husband. What if he hears what I'm feeling and decides I'm unfit to mother his children?! Then what???

Well, I was reading some posts on the adoption forum that I've come to rely heavily upon--especially during the dreadful wait for LOA--because there are SO MANY "BTDTs": Been There Done Thats. And sure enough, I found a post that hit home.

I'm sitting at my computer in the office, and Gemma is playing with some toys around me. I start reading this post by another AP (adoptive parent), and I just start BAWLING. I mean...BAWLING. I could not stop sobbing. It just came out. I had to put my head down and cry. I.could.not.help.it. I swear, that post was about me! It sure felt like it anyway.

Well, when I came to my senses, I realized there was a 4-year-old girl who had stopped her playing and was looking at me with a concerned look on her face. I motioned for her to come to me, and she did. And I gave her a hug and through my tears told her I loved her. She immediately said, "I lub oo" and showed me "i love you" in sign language. (I've been trying to teach her the sign for I love you, and it's so cute when she does it, because she can't quite get her fingers to work.) Then she pointed to the upstairs, and I thought she had to go potty, so I said "okay." A minute later she came down with a napkin for me to wipe my tears and my nose. Hello! More tears...but this time of joy. What a sensitive little girl!! We are SO BLESSED!!!!

So, anyway, for those of you who are wondering how we are doing, how things are going, what we're really feeling inside, read this blog post and you'll get a pretty good idea.

http://www.jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport

We are blessed beyond measure!!! Thank you God!!!

6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh yes...been there. I remember looking at Adam's photos on the computer (from before he came home) and then really just looking at him in person wondering if our child was switched....really...it was THAT bad. I sooo know the feeling of the writer of that blog post, for me the depression was overwhelming, which seems so crazy to say out loud?! Loving that you have such a tender little soul in your home :)

Jackie said...

I just read the blog and it made want to both cry and laugh at the same time. I'm praying for all that you're going through and what is to come. I love when she talks about going through things honestly and that maybe her writing can help others. What a blessing you found her blog and that by her putting her thoughts into words, it allowed you release some of the emotion you'd been feeling. We love you guys and think of you often and will continue to pray!

MotherOfTwo said...

We are here for you, Amy. It's all going to work out. Now i expect you'll need to tell me the very same thing when i'm going through it in a couple of months. :)

Judy Deaton said...

Amy, I just read that post today! I wondered how close home it hit for most people. Thanks for your honesty:) Praying for your family! May God bless and walk beside you and carry you when you are just exhausted.

Vicky said...

Amy, thanks for sharing this about this article and about how you are feeling! My heart aches for you as go through this time of adjustment. You have my email address if you ever need or want to communicate via that method!

Erin said...

Man, I just read the post that you linked to and have not stopped crying. We brought home our daughter from South Korea over 7 mths ago and I am still struggling with so much. So much grief, so much guilt, so much doubt. The adoption community is a wonderful place and thank God that there are people out there that aren't afraid to share EVERY part of the amazing journey that is adoption. Congrats on bringing your newest daughter home; I will be thinking of you and wish you the best.